I fell in love again; but it's not like you think. There's this boy who sends me "Good morning, my princess" and reminds me to make a wish when the clock whispers 11:11. He plays with my hair in between the braying moments when I tell him about you; about how you hurt me -- he cuts me off in the middle of my sentence to tell me i'm adorable. He pays attention to the tiny details like how I split my hair on the right side instead of the usual left and arbitrarily just brings me chocolate on days when my eyes are tired and sad. He completely understands my obsession to Game of Thrones without a shred condescending judgement and calls me his Khaleesi because he knows how much I love her. 

Yesterday, we summarily decided to go to the mall. We ran around playing tag in the arcade in Ayala popping through crowds and hiding behind one game box to the next. He understands that I instantly fall in love with stout kids with perfectly plumped cheeks and we waddle around just overlooking the tiny sceneries of cute little munchkins as we squeeze and pull on each other's faces. I get looks of envy from a group of girls who under their breath utter: they're so cute. And their words sank my heart.

He holds me by the wrist and leads me around to the top floor where we waited about five minutes for the elevator to come up. The elevator was crowded. I could feel his breathing behind my nape. We get down only to ride the next one up to the top floor. We continue to run around blithe and uncaring of the rest of the world. We come to a halt in front of a gadget shop because his shoelaces had become undone. Two employees eyed us over and I managed to come into eye contact with one of them where he smiles and holds his thumb up to an approving gesture. And his smile sank my heart.

We go into a bookstore where we played hide and seek. We eventually ended up just looking for funny pictures and pointing them to each other. Insulting one another in the most subtle way. I come across my cousin inside the shop where she mouths the words: you look good together, i'm jealous. And she too, sank my heart.

Finally, we go to a cake shop after four hours of unadulterated strolling and goofing around. We eye over the cakes until we agree on the perfect one, a triple chocolate cake. He requests that they write down: "Happy 8th monthsary." The girl who took the order tells us: Oh, it's your monthsary? Congratulations, you guys. I force a smile and we dared not glance at each other. After all, he only did come here to buy a cake for his girlfriend and his' 8th monthsary tomorrow.

I wanted to crush those girls' skulls when they whispered how cute we looked together and how they awww'ed at us. It insulted me that they were jealous. I wanted to rip out my cousin's throat when she told me she was jealous. Do not look at me as someone to be envied, I am on your side. I am envious of the girl you think I am when I am with him. I feel cold and I shiver under room temperature. It feels like hell but it isn't even warm the slightest bit. I fell in love again, but it's not like you think. I am not in love with him. I am in love with his company, the way he makes me feel, the way he treats me. These are all very new to me. I have never been treated quite as right as this and I deem I probably never will. I am envious, God, so envious of the girl you saw with him because that wasn't me. It was who I wanted to be; someone's girlfriend -- someone who was genuinely loved.

Case to point: I am not in love with him. I will not fall in love with him, I assure you that. I know better than to ruin someone else's story for my own selfish desires. I will not squeeze myself in the picture. I simply enjoy the numbing company he shares with me. He knows that as well. He makes me forget that you told me to fuck off. He makes me love you at the back of my mind, for a while. I am in love with everything he and I does together -- everything we never got to do. I am in love with the feeling I have when I am with him but God, oh God I am still in love with you.

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