No one warned me that someone could love me and I would still be lonely. He dashed me to the floor -- filled my stomach with words I could never comprehend and sent me to the hospital but they could never pump a stomach so filled with bile. They could never fix the ulcers of our memories I carried in my gut. They couldn’t just let me be me because you’d stuffed me full of us.
But this isn't a movie. He won’t come back and sweep me off my feet. He won’t come find me in the pouring rain and kiss me and tell me how sorry he is. He won’t text me at 3AM and tell me he can’t sleep because he can’t get me out of his head. He won’t cry over the memories every night like I do. But more importantly, I'm growing. I'm finding myself. I'm discovering what it feels like to lose myself in the stars at midnight. I'm discovering that alcohol doesn’t make me forget his name, just why I shouldn’t text him. I'm discovering that some songs make me cry about him, and some songs make me dance in a bus stop. I'm discovering that friends are more important than him; discovering that it’s okay to wrote him a letter to pour my heart onto the paper, but it’s okay to burn it after, too. I'm discovering that while fireworks blow up, they fade quickly, and that warm feeling I feel when I'm truly happy lasts, even after the person who caused it is gone. I'm discovering that who I am isn’t defined by him, it never was.
You are snakeskin and i keep shedding you somehow. My mind is forgetting every exquisite detail of your face the letting go has become the forgetting which is the most pleasant or saddest thing to have happened. We had galaxies between us and you still needed space.
Perhaps the problem isn’t the intensity of love, but the quality of the person you are loving. When things got hard, you left because it was easier for you to walk out than to stand by me and fight. I guess you never loved me like you said you did. Thanks to you, promises have lost their meaning. I miss you, I’m not going to lie. But holy crap, did you ever hurt me. You left when I needed you the most. Maybe you couldn’t handle me, fuck, I couldn’t handle me then and I'm still struggling with that.
COMMENTS